Tuesday 25 January 2011
Doctors Again
It's 2.:30am,I've slept for a while next to my son,now wide awake!!!,I'm back at the doctors tommorow (should have a season ticket),to tell him I feel no different on this new AD,he will most probably not know what to do!,can't realy blame him!.
He must dread me coming,I usually just cry whilst he faf's around on his computer,trying to come up with something ,when truth be told I think we both know by now ...it's f*ck*ng shit!!!
I do wish he'd just come out & say it!!!!
"jenny life is hard & your troubles are f*ck*ng shit,always have been & I don't have a clue what to do".
He looks at me whilst I sit in the chair sobbing as per usual,I can't even talk to him,I just sit & cry.
I feel for him,I can see he is concerned & can see he cares,also I can see he does not know what to do.
I sit & *sob*
He sits & does not know what the Fu*k to do!!!
Bet he can't wait to see me at 10am!!!,
Lol
-posted by Jk
Sunday 23 January 2011
7 Things you don't know about me.
Ok here goes,before Reading please please don't think I'm a nut case ok?
1)I suffer from anxiety & depression & have done all my life,also suffered pnd with both my sons.
2)I have been in hospital for my mental health.
3)I had my first son age 20 &second son age 28 & also have a step son who is 11yo & step daughter who is 9yo.
4)I've been married before,and am now divorced & re married
8)I'm terribly self concious & always have been
9)I am a haridresser & have my own salon with my OH who is also a hairdresser,I love the world of hairdressing ,although have lost it through my problems,I hope to return to it again when I can .
10)last but not least I've got a very addictive personality so as you can guess I've had a few problems!!!
Ok folks there it is X
Yes I missed 5,6 & 7 out so it is official I have lost the plot!!!!
Nope can't think of 3 more things that are not utterly dull !
-posted by Jk
1)I suffer from anxiety & depression & have done all my life,also suffered pnd with both my sons.
2)I have been in hospital for my mental health.
3)I had my first son age 20 &second son age 28 & also have a step son who is 11yo & step daughter who is 9yo.
4)I've been married before,and am now divorced & re married
8)I'm terribly self concious & always have been
9)I am a haridresser & have my own salon with my OH who is also a hairdresser,I love the world of hairdressing ,although have lost it through my problems,I hope to return to it again when I can .
10)last but not least I've got a very addictive personality so as you can guess I've had a few problems!!!
Ok folks there it is X
Yes I missed 5,6 & 7 out so it is official I have lost the plot!!!!
Nope can't think of 3 more things that are not utterly dull !
-posted by Jk
Saturday 22 January 2011
Here we go again
"The silent illness,called depression".
So many people suffer bouts of depression & anxiety,most people at some point in their lifes will suffer to some extent,it's inevitable & normal for us to suffer this to some degree throughout the course of our lifetimes.
Unfortunatly some people(like me) suffer with sevear depression & anxiety more or less all their life.
For me I was always a very anxious child,however it really hit me at the age of 14,this was the first time I was put on anti depressants,I'd had a compleate breakdown,caused by 2+ years of bullying both physical & mental at school & out of school.(this in itself is another story).
I won't go into my whole life story,trying to figure out how I became this way,trying to pin point things that triggered off my problems,fact is I can't.
I have come to believe,looking back on my life that from as far back as I can remember I've always suffered intense anxiety & depression from teenage years,'nothing has made me this way',this is just me.Since childhood it is something I've struggled with & battled against.
Age 5,I remember having intense gut wrenching anxiety over the littlest things,I would panic & be hysterical over things like;
Something in my lunchbox I was not expecting to be there?
Going into Assembly?
Having to go to the toilet?
I was so nervous,that the first 2 years of primary school,I would wet myself nearly every day.
I always had a panic inside me that wouldn't go away,a feeling of utter fear,I had my first panic attack at 5years old,this was the first of many more to come.
I'm 30 years old now & it's always with me,not often a reason for it or an explanation for it.
25 years on from my 5 year old self I am still battling this painful,debilitating illness,which is just (if not more) painful than any physical illness!!.
Now I'm older I'm not as frightened by the anxiety & can manage it 50% of the time,purely through experiance.
I have had therapy,cbt,cat,counselling,I have also had numerous different medication over the years,some of which have caused extream problems (again that's another story).
I have also been medication free.
I've tried so hard & so far I've not found the answer.The help out there on the nhs is abismal,utterly appaling,enough to send anyone in desperation into even deeper dispeare.
I can't get any joy or pleasure from my life,from my children,nothing at all,this makes me feel so deeply ashamed,selfish,hopeless & a big disappointment & burden to my family.
At the moment I am existing,that is all.
I've been fighting this for my entire life & I'm exausted & desperate now.
I want to feel happiness,I want to get pleasure from my children & husband,I want to work in our salon,I want to meet friends.
I want to get some quality of life.
Since having my second son 3 years ago,I have got myself in a real bad situation,I've become totally isolated & frightened of going out of the house,the longer I stay in the worse it becomes,the longer this carries on,the harder it is to get back out into the world.
Now having no one to support & help me,I have to get out of this on my own,anyone who suffers with this will appriciate how incredibly hard it is.
Recently I've felt very depressed,so I've been put on yet another combination of tablets ,I do not know if they will help,I do not know if I believe in medication or not,however at the moment I'm utterly desperate to feel a bit better,so feeling hopeless & having lost all faith, I reluctantly took my doctors advice to try another tablet to go with the others I take.
I expect a lot of people will have their own oppinions on this subject,I have to say,anyone who has not lived with sevear anxiety & depression need to understand that their positive quotations & pull yourself together attitudes are frankly patronising & very unhelpful.
I believed by 30 years old I would be better,it is dissapointing that I am not, I do have more controll & less fear,only now I feel much more in controll of the anxiety,I'm hit with this deep dark depression.
Sorry for the serious misrable blog,I just felt it would help me to share my silent problem.
I've always been ashamed of it.
Always worried about being judged.
Now I don't really care as much what other people thing,must be an age thing X
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
So many people suffer bouts of depression & anxiety,most people at some point in their lifes will suffer to some extent,it's inevitable & normal for us to suffer this to some degree throughout the course of our lifetimes.
Unfortunatly some people(like me) suffer with sevear depression & anxiety more or less all their life.
For me I was always a very anxious child,however it really hit me at the age of 14,this was the first time I was put on anti depressants,I'd had a compleate breakdown,caused by 2+ years of bullying both physical & mental at school & out of school.(this in itself is another story).
I won't go into my whole life story,trying to figure out how I became this way,trying to pin point things that triggered off my problems,fact is I can't.
I have come to believe,looking back on my life that from as far back as I can remember I've always suffered intense anxiety & depression from teenage years,'nothing has made me this way',this is just me.Since childhood it is something I've struggled with & battled against.
Age 5,I remember having intense gut wrenching anxiety over the littlest things,I would panic & be hysterical over things like;
Something in my lunchbox I was not expecting to be there?
Going into Assembly?
Having to go to the toilet?
I was so nervous,that the first 2 years of primary school,I would wet myself nearly every day.
I always had a panic inside me that wouldn't go away,a feeling of utter fear,I had my first panic attack at 5years old,this was the first of many more to come.
I'm 30 years old now & it's always with me,not often a reason for it or an explanation for it.
25 years on from my 5 year old self I am still battling this painful,debilitating illness,which is just (if not more) painful than any physical illness!!.
Now I'm older I'm not as frightened by the anxiety & can manage it 50% of the time,purely through experiance.
I have had therapy,cbt,cat,counselling,I have also had numerous different medication over the years,some of which have caused extream problems (again that's another story).
I have also been medication free.
I've tried so hard & so far I've not found the answer.The help out there on the nhs is abismal,utterly appaling,enough to send anyone in desperation into even deeper dispeare.
I can't get any joy or pleasure from my life,from my children,nothing at all,this makes me feel so deeply ashamed,selfish,hopeless & a big disappointment & burden to my family.
At the moment I am existing,that is all.
I've been fighting this for my entire life & I'm exausted & desperate now.
I want to feel happiness,I want to get pleasure from my children & husband,I want to work in our salon,I want to meet friends.
I want to get some quality of life.
Since having my second son 3 years ago,I have got myself in a real bad situation,I've become totally isolated & frightened of going out of the house,the longer I stay in the worse it becomes,the longer this carries on,the harder it is to get back out into the world.
Now having no one to support & help me,I have to get out of this on my own,anyone who suffers with this will appriciate how incredibly hard it is.
Recently I've felt very depressed,so I've been put on yet another combination of tablets ,I do not know if they will help,I do not know if I believe in medication or not,however at the moment I'm utterly desperate to feel a bit better,so feeling hopeless & having lost all faith, I reluctantly took my doctors advice to try another tablet to go with the others I take.
I expect a lot of people will have their own oppinions on this subject,I have to say,anyone who has not lived with sevear anxiety & depression need to understand that their positive quotations & pull yourself together attitudes are frankly patronising & very unhelpful.
I believed by 30 years old I would be better,it is dissapointing that I am not, I do have more controll & less fear,only now I feel much more in controll of the anxiety,I'm hit with this deep dark depression.
Sorry for the serious misrable blog,I just felt it would help me to share my silent problem.
I've always been ashamed of it.
Always worried about being judged.
Now I don't really care as much what other people thing,must be an age thing X
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Hmm
I'm testing out if I can blog from my iPhone,what I don't want to do is write a blog,only to find it doesn't bloody work!.
Which is the way my luck usually goes !!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Which is the way my luck usually goes !!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday 4 January 2011
**Disclamer**
Just to let you all know,this is my first time on a lap top,i;m a pen and paper girl,so forgive all the mistakes,i am totally crap on computers
My First Blog
This is scary,however here i go,my first blog. I have always written diary's, journals, thoughts and feelings since being about 14 years old. It's only very recently I've come across some lovely people via twitter and been introduced to the world of blogging.
These Blogs have had quite an impact on me, they have made me laugh and cry and above all else feel less alone in the world and in my circumstances, thoughts and feelings, This has made a huge difference to my life!!!
I know i will get joy and pleasure from writing my own blogs, and also gain back some confidence.
A lovely friend said to me (you know who you are) "If it works for you,then it will work full stop, write for yourself, that is all that matters," well these are the words that gave me the confidence to "JUST DO THAT"
I'm new to this and I am nervous in case people judge me, or just simply laugh at me (I'm used to that)
anyhow if i can make one person feel less alone or simply identify with my life, i'll be happy.
My blogs will always be written from the heart and be true to myself, some will be very brave on my part and may not always be understood or appreciated, nevertheless i'm going to blog for myself, thanks to
@mammywoo
@mumonamission1
@themummylife
@TheBoyAndMe
@Pantsbum
To name just a few x
These Blogs have had quite an impact on me, they have made me laugh and cry and above all else feel less alone in the world and in my circumstances, thoughts and feelings, This has made a huge difference to my life!!!
I know i will get joy and pleasure from writing my own blogs, and also gain back some confidence.
A lovely friend said to me (you know who you are) "If it works for you,then it will work full stop, write for yourself, that is all that matters," well these are the words that gave me the confidence to "JUST DO THAT"
I'm new to this and I am nervous in case people judge me, or just simply laugh at me (I'm used to that)
anyhow if i can make one person feel less alone or simply identify with my life, i'll be happy.
My blogs will always be written from the heart and be true to myself, some will be very brave on my part and may not always be understood or appreciated, nevertheless i'm going to blog for myself, thanks to
@mammywoo
@mumonamission1
@themummylife
@TheBoyAndMe
@Pantsbum
To name just a few x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)