Bloody hell
Tonight it's just dawned on me !!
I have 2 son's & a husband ... So 3 !!!!
That's 3 boys ,who will become men ,one allready showing the sign's of man-ness
(that's my made up word).
So ,I bring up ,teach,love,provide & put my life into bringing up my boys .
They are going to leave ME though for some girl & never look back ..... I'll be the dreaded " mother in law" !!!!
Having son's is such a different life path to having daughters - admitidly both bring problems & troubles along the way ....
Only today I realise I can not & should not put my life & soul into my children to such a degree as they are all I have & all I am.
I can't
They don't belong to me ...
I do my best
They take that with them & become the man they are going to be .
I'll do so many things that are "Wrong"
I'll f*ck up along the way !
I'll look back & regret decisions I made !
I will never stop worrying about them.
I will always love them too much .
I will always try to look after them (3 or 33)
You tell me, how are you going to feel when your boys swap you for a girl/woman/fiancé /wife ??????
It's a swap
It will happen one day
It's gonna 'GOD DAM HURT'
"OUCH"
And that's excluding what is yet to come with the eldest (my hubby)
If you hadn't allready figured
I WORRY ,A LOT
-posted by Jk
Saturday 15 October 2011
Friday 16 September 2011
The misunderstood
People who suffer from,nervousness & anxiety,are people of fine sensibilitys,of delicate regard for honour,endowed with a feeling if duty & obligation,their nerves have tricked & misled them.
-posted by Jk
-posted by Jk
Wednesday 13 April 2011
Before I kick the bucket
A friend pointed out to me that I should make a list of things I want to do/achieve before I kick the bucket. So here is my list,in no spesific order,I'll just randomly write it & blog when I've done/achieved any-(if I'm still here)
1)sort out my physical health.
2)achieve mental stability (?)
3)Go back to college
4)Get nvq level 2 in beauty Therapy.
5)Do numerous nail tec courses.
6)Set up nails & beauty,within or alongside the hair salon.
7)have a fancy dress party.
8)raise money for the British heart Foundation.
9)join a yoga class
10)try zumba.
11)loose at least 1 & half stone.
12)Go to London for a weekend .
13)take my mum on a pamper weekend.
14)take dance lessons.
15)Swim with dolphins .
16)eat at one of marco pier White resturantes.
17)Eat oysters & drink cristal champaign.
18)Go to the theatre.
19)Holiday in Florida ,Disney Land,as a family.
20)Go on a cruise.
Okay,that will do to be going on with,before I kick the bucket X
-posted by Jk
1)sort out my physical health.
2)achieve mental stability (?)
3)Go back to college
4)Get nvq level 2 in beauty Therapy.
5)Do numerous nail tec courses.
6)Set up nails & beauty,within or alongside the hair salon.
7)have a fancy dress party.
8)raise money for the British heart Foundation.
9)join a yoga class
10)try zumba.
11)loose at least 1 & half stone.
12)Go to London for a weekend .
13)take my mum on a pamper weekend.
14)take dance lessons.
15)Swim with dolphins .
16)eat at one of marco pier White resturantes.
17)Eat oysters & drink cristal champaign.
18)Go to the theatre.
19)Holiday in Florida ,Disney Land,as a family.
20)Go on a cruise.
Okay,that will do to be going on with,before I kick the bucket X
-posted by Jk
I've been 'Tagged',find out more about me.
One of my Twitter friends,@123andbreathe has tagged me into the Q&A meme.
The questions below are usually the format the guardian use when interviewing celebs,as you are about to find out,I am far from a celeb!!!.
Q1)Which living person do you most admire,and why?
A)This is a tricky one as there are a few people in my life I admire for different reasons,overall I'd have to say my dad.He is the most incredibly honest,genuine,selfless person I've ever known & I look up to him & admire everything he is.
Q2)What is your most embarrasing moment?
A)My god,I've had a hell of a lot of embarrasing moments,I have them on a weekly basis!!. One of them has to be when I was cutting a clients hair & accidently cut through the fine gold chain she was wearing,I was young & paniked & with this decided not to say a word about it to her & put it in the bin(I know shameful), the same day the client came into the salon & asked me & the other girls if we'd seen her necklace,she thought it may have come off in the salon?....
To my absolute horror the Saturday girl announced,"Yea I found a necklace when I was emptying the bin" at this point I excused myself to go on my dinner hour.ohh the shame,that poor woman!!
Q3)When were you the happiest?
A)I was at my happiest when I was working in my first salon for a very good friend,I had some wonderful friends & had an amazing few years,age 16 to 20,my happiest years!!
Q4)Aside from property,what is the most expensive thing you have ever bought?
A)Hmm,I've had expensive things bought for me,the most expensive thing I've gone out & bought myself would be..ey this is hard,I have put money into my business,that's the most I ever spent,but bought is a hard one because I tend not to spend a lot on myself,unless prompted by my husband.... I know,I bought myself a Babour wax coat last winter,which cost £150 ish.
Q5)What is your most treasured possession?
A)My wedding band & engagment ring & pandora charm bracelet,oh & my watch/am I allowed 3 ??
Q6)Where would you like to live?
A)I have always lived in the north & I love it,I adore the ribble valley,I'm happy here ,would be perfect if we had a second home in France for the summer.
Q7)what's your favourite smell
A)Agent Provocateur Maitresse.
Q8)Who would play you I'm the film of your life?
A)No matter how long I think about this question,I can't come up with an answer. I'm not that clued up on celebs,can think of who I like actress wise,but can't think of a person to play me
#failonthisone
Q9)What is your favourite book?
A)I love Reading & have read so so many good books,I do not have just one favourite so I'll pick one of my top 5 favourite books
Which is,'Wild Swans'by Jung Chang.
Q10)What is your most UN-appealing habit?
A)Repeating myself (so I'm told)
Repeating myself ?'!! Apparently
Q11)What would your fancy dress costume of choice be?
A)Well I've never been to a fancy dress party,if I were ever to go to one I would want to go as Marylin Monroe.
There were 25 questions but the rest have vanished???
-posted by Jk
The questions below are usually the format the guardian use when interviewing celebs,as you are about to find out,I am far from a celeb!!!.
Q1)Which living person do you most admire,and why?
A)This is a tricky one as there are a few people in my life I admire for different reasons,overall I'd have to say my dad.He is the most incredibly honest,genuine,selfless person I've ever known & I look up to him & admire everything he is.
Q2)What is your most embarrasing moment?
A)My god,I've had a hell of a lot of embarrasing moments,I have them on a weekly basis!!. One of them has to be when I was cutting a clients hair & accidently cut through the fine gold chain she was wearing,I was young & paniked & with this decided not to say a word about it to her & put it in the bin(I know shameful), the same day the client came into the salon & asked me & the other girls if we'd seen her necklace,she thought it may have come off in the salon?....
To my absolute horror the Saturday girl announced,"Yea I found a necklace when I was emptying the bin" at this point I excused myself to go on my dinner hour.ohh the shame,that poor woman!!
Q3)When were you the happiest?
A)I was at my happiest when I was working in my first salon for a very good friend,I had some wonderful friends & had an amazing few years,age 16 to 20,my happiest years!!
Q4)Aside from property,what is the most expensive thing you have ever bought?
A)Hmm,I've had expensive things bought for me,the most expensive thing I've gone out & bought myself would be..ey this is hard,I have put money into my business,that's the most I ever spent,but bought is a hard one because I tend not to spend a lot on myself,unless prompted by my husband.... I know,I bought myself a Babour wax coat last winter,which cost £150 ish.
Q5)What is your most treasured possession?
A)My wedding band & engagment ring & pandora charm bracelet,oh & my watch/am I allowed 3 ??
Q6)Where would you like to live?
A)I have always lived in the north & I love it,I adore the ribble valley,I'm happy here ,would be perfect if we had a second home in France for the summer.
Q7)what's your favourite smell
A)Agent Provocateur Maitresse.
Q8)Who would play you I'm the film of your life?
A)No matter how long I think about this question,I can't come up with an answer. I'm not that clued up on celebs,can think of who I like actress wise,but can't think of a person to play me
#failonthisone
Q9)What is your favourite book?
A)I love Reading & have read so so many good books,I do not have just one favourite so I'll pick one of my top 5 favourite books
Which is,'Wild Swans'by Jung Chang.
Q10)What is your most UN-appealing habit?
A)Repeating myself (so I'm told)
Repeating myself ?'!! Apparently
Q11)What would your fancy dress costume of choice be?
A)Well I've never been to a fancy dress party,if I were ever to go to one I would want to go as Marylin Monroe.
There were 25 questions but the rest have vanished???
-posted by Jk
Thursday 7 April 2011
Mothers day / 2011
These pictures are of my baby boys,at one day old.
The first photo is my Oliver
The second is my Theo
They are so very precious to me,they are the best things that have ever happened in my life,I am blessed to have my boys,truly blessed.
I can remember both my pregnancies & births like they were only yesterday,I can recall every detail & can feel every emotion,it's hard to believe that my boys are now,10 & 3 years old.
I know everyone says this but it is so very true,"they grow up so fast".
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Sods bloody law!!.
Sods law has taken up permenant residence in my life.
I've only realised this recently,after looking back through my life!!
Yep sod has always been here & still is,I'm sure Many people have also had "sod" creep into their life,I do think he picks his victims though & really puts a lot of effort into some!,me being one,easy target maybe?
Anyway sod -" sod's law" has his permenent fixture in my life
and I've come to accept him,in fact I "Expect him" ,a lot of the time I actually sit & wait for his havoc to appear,by my age & experience I know he's coming.
He is most deffinatley a MAN,I have no proof but trust me,he's a MAN!!.
I'll give some examples(these are just a few out of many)
Of this wan*er Sod(whot IS A MAN)
ok here are just a few examples only over the last few years (if I listed all he's done it would be never ending!)
Randomly ......
1)today I had to go & do some bits & bobs for moving house in the next few days,basic stuff ,post office to re_ direct post,council offices to sort out council tax & inform them of new adress,etc,etc.
first off it's pouring down with rain so I grab my rain coat & off I go,first stop post office,I park up in a small space & I'm doing well ,(for me),I'm satisfied even though my bumper is kind of in the road,I turn off my engine & a van comes down the road ,cars parked both sides which I'm totally unawear of ,untill I get out of my car to the abuse of the (MAN) van driver!9.45am,pissing down with rain,I get out of **slightly** bad parking to ...
"oyyy how the F you think I'm goin to get through here you silly bitch",he could have got through if the other car coming the opposite way had not gone at the same time as him,but in his eyes it was my fault. So I was not in a " oh I'm so sorry silly me mood"
I got out told him to watch his language & deal with it & slipped in wanker as I walked into post office.
All I want to do is re direct my post & I've brought along all the relevant documents it says,I que up for 20 mins & hand it all in & before the woman says anything I already know Sod is here!!!
" sorry mrs Palmer we need 2 different utility bills in both names"," I'm afraid we can't process this without 2 different utility bills". Even though I've digged out both pasports & my driving licence & a utility bill,even though the woman knows me & I've qued up for ever I need 1 more utility bill!!!!!!!!!
I storm out,I drop all the paper work etc,so it's all wet through!!
I go back to my car & find my wing mirror on the road,"Sod is here & working well today"!!,it's only 10am!!
pick up wing mirror & drive off into town,park on car park & pay for 1 hour,I've only got to go to the bank & council offices.
I get to bank ,it's closed ,Wednesday half day closing,opens at 1pm,it's 1030am.
Next stop council offices to tell them new adress & pay off existing council tax.
que!!!!!!!!!
hand my form in which by now is sodden & tell her what I want to do,pay up & give new adress details,'simple'?
"When do you move mrs Palmer"?, in 2 days I say!!!
"sorry we can't process it untill you ate actually moved"
I ask why?
" It is just the way our records work I'm afraid,sorry"
I don't swear I just say "FINE"
bank not open I go to Look at bedding in shop just next to car park,'Wey Hey,they actually have super king size fitted sheets & duvets,so I get what I need & more &.I'm pleased I've finally got what I've been looking for.
hobble with my bags in the rain to my car ,shove it all in the boot & get in my car,my freshly blow dried hair is now a frizz,my skin looks bad & I feel sick,im going to leave the bank till tomorrow,
Just before I drive off I see the fecking yellow ticket in my window,20 min over my time!!!
"sod is having a right laugh"
OK cry & stress,then decide to go to have an early lunch in the cafe just over the road,pay & display again put stupid god damm ticket in glove compartment.
Food will cheer me up!!.
I walk in to cafe,head down into the back bit of the cafe,so bloody hungry even though it's not yet dinner time I order soup & a paninie. Then I will have a cake,no one knows me in here so it doesn't matter!!
SOD,SOD,SOD
"The ultimate SODS LAW day"
My ex walks into this stupid cafe,full of old folk,just would not happen!!,but sod was on me & it did happen.My soup & paninie arrived as he & his new piece sat down .
Had a taste of soup,whilst trying to look busy on my phone & took out pad and pen,to look busy,quick bite of paninie,pass on the cake & go to pay,thinking how big my arse looks in the jeans I'm wearing & my hair is all frizzy,REALLY SODS LAW.
This is pretty much a normal day for me at the moment,sod is with me a lot recently,wish he'd move on,I'm sure I've had my fair share of him .... SOD OFF!!!!!!!
-posted by Jk
I've only realised this recently,after looking back through my life!!
Yep sod has always been here & still is,I'm sure Many people have also had "sod" creep into their life,I do think he picks his victims though & really puts a lot of effort into some!,me being one,easy target maybe?
Anyway sod -" sod's law" has his permenent fixture in my life
and I've come to accept him,in fact I "Expect him" ,a lot of the time I actually sit & wait for his havoc to appear,by my age & experience I know he's coming.
He is most deffinatley a MAN,I have no proof but trust me,he's a MAN!!.
I'll give some examples(these are just a few out of many)
Of this wan*er Sod(whot IS A MAN)
ok here are just a few examples only over the last few years (if I listed all he's done it would be never ending!)
Randomly ......
1)today I had to go & do some bits & bobs for moving house in the next few days,basic stuff ,post office to re_ direct post,council offices to sort out council tax & inform them of new adress,etc,etc.
first off it's pouring down with rain so I grab my rain coat & off I go,first stop post office,I park up in a small space & I'm doing well ,(for me),I'm satisfied even though my bumper is kind of in the road,I turn off my engine & a van comes down the road ,cars parked both sides which I'm totally unawear of ,untill I get out of my car to the abuse of the (MAN) van driver!9.45am,pissing down with rain,I get out of **slightly** bad parking to ...
"oyyy how the F you think I'm goin to get through here you silly bitch",he could have got through if the other car coming the opposite way had not gone at the same time as him,but in his eyes it was my fault. So I was not in a " oh I'm so sorry silly me mood"
I got out told him to watch his language & deal with it & slipped in wanker as I walked into post office.
All I want to do is re direct my post & I've brought along all the relevant documents it says,I que up for 20 mins & hand it all in & before the woman says anything I already know Sod is here!!!
" sorry mrs Palmer we need 2 different utility bills in both names"," I'm afraid we can't process this without 2 different utility bills". Even though I've digged out both pasports & my driving licence & a utility bill,even though the woman knows me & I've qued up for ever I need 1 more utility bill!!!!!!!!!
I storm out,I drop all the paper work etc,so it's all wet through!!
I go back to my car & find my wing mirror on the road,"Sod is here & working well today"!!,it's only 10am!!
pick up wing mirror & drive off into town,park on car park & pay for 1 hour,I've only got to go to the bank & council offices.
I get to bank ,it's closed ,Wednesday half day closing,opens at 1pm,it's 1030am.
Next stop council offices to tell them new adress & pay off existing council tax.
que!!!!!!!!!
hand my form in which by now is sodden & tell her what I want to do,pay up & give new adress details,'simple'?
"When do you move mrs Palmer"?, in 2 days I say!!!
"sorry we can't process it untill you ate actually moved"
I ask why?
" It is just the way our records work I'm afraid,sorry"
I don't swear I just say "FINE"
bank not open I go to Look at bedding in shop just next to car park,'Wey Hey,they actually have super king size fitted sheets & duvets,so I get what I need & more &.I'm pleased I've finally got what I've been looking for.
hobble with my bags in the rain to my car ,shove it all in the boot & get in my car,my freshly blow dried hair is now a frizz,my skin looks bad & I feel sick,im going to leave the bank till tomorrow,
Just before I drive off I see the fecking yellow ticket in my window,20 min over my time!!!
"sod is having a right laugh"
OK cry & stress,then decide to go to have an early lunch in the cafe just over the road,pay & display again put stupid god damm ticket in glove compartment.
Food will cheer me up!!.
I walk in to cafe,head down into the back bit of the cafe,so bloody hungry even though it's not yet dinner time I order soup & a paninie. Then I will have a cake,no one knows me in here so it doesn't matter!!
SOD,SOD,SOD
"The ultimate SODS LAW day"
My ex walks into this stupid cafe,full of old folk,just would not happen!!,but sod was on me & it did happen.My soup & paninie arrived as he & his new piece sat down .
Had a taste of soup,whilst trying to look busy on my phone & took out pad and pen,to look busy,quick bite of paninie,pass on the cake & go to pay,thinking how big my arse looks in the jeans I'm wearing & my hair is all frizzy,REALLY SODS LAW.
This is pretty much a normal day for me at the moment,sod is with me a lot recently,wish he'd move on,I'm sure I've had my fair share of him .... SOD OFF!!!!!!!
-posted by Jk
Tuesday 25 January 2011
Doctors Again
It's 2.:30am,I've slept for a while next to my son,now wide awake!!!,I'm back at the doctors tommorow (should have a season ticket),to tell him I feel no different on this new AD,he will most probably not know what to do!,can't realy blame him!.
He must dread me coming,I usually just cry whilst he faf's around on his computer,trying to come up with something ,when truth be told I think we both know by now ...it's f*ck*ng shit!!!
I do wish he'd just come out & say it!!!!
"jenny life is hard & your troubles are f*ck*ng shit,always have been & I don't have a clue what to do".
He looks at me whilst I sit in the chair sobbing as per usual,I can't even talk to him,I just sit & cry.
I feel for him,I can see he is concerned & can see he cares,also I can see he does not know what to do.
I sit & *sob*
He sits & does not know what the Fu*k to do!!!
Bet he can't wait to see me at 10am!!!,
Lol
-posted by Jk
Sunday 23 January 2011
7 Things you don't know about me.
Ok here goes,before Reading please please don't think I'm a nut case ok?
1)I suffer from anxiety & depression & have done all my life,also suffered pnd with both my sons.
2)I have been in hospital for my mental health.
3)I had my first son age 20 &second son age 28 & also have a step son who is 11yo & step daughter who is 9yo.
4)I've been married before,and am now divorced & re married
8)I'm terribly self concious & always have been
9)I am a haridresser & have my own salon with my OH who is also a hairdresser,I love the world of hairdressing ,although have lost it through my problems,I hope to return to it again when I can .
10)last but not least I've got a very addictive personality so as you can guess I've had a few problems!!!
Ok folks there it is X
Yes I missed 5,6 & 7 out so it is official I have lost the plot!!!!
Nope can't think of 3 more things that are not utterly dull !
-posted by Jk
1)I suffer from anxiety & depression & have done all my life,also suffered pnd with both my sons.
2)I have been in hospital for my mental health.
3)I had my first son age 20 &second son age 28 & also have a step son who is 11yo & step daughter who is 9yo.
4)I've been married before,and am now divorced & re married
8)I'm terribly self concious & always have been
9)I am a haridresser & have my own salon with my OH who is also a hairdresser,I love the world of hairdressing ,although have lost it through my problems,I hope to return to it again when I can .
10)last but not least I've got a very addictive personality so as you can guess I've had a few problems!!!
Ok folks there it is X
Yes I missed 5,6 & 7 out so it is official I have lost the plot!!!!
Nope can't think of 3 more things that are not utterly dull !
-posted by Jk
Saturday 22 January 2011
Here we go again
"The silent illness,called depression".
So many people suffer bouts of depression & anxiety,most people at some point in their lifes will suffer to some extent,it's inevitable & normal for us to suffer this to some degree throughout the course of our lifetimes.
Unfortunatly some people(like me) suffer with sevear depression & anxiety more or less all their life.
For me I was always a very anxious child,however it really hit me at the age of 14,this was the first time I was put on anti depressants,I'd had a compleate breakdown,caused by 2+ years of bullying both physical & mental at school & out of school.(this in itself is another story).
I won't go into my whole life story,trying to figure out how I became this way,trying to pin point things that triggered off my problems,fact is I can't.
I have come to believe,looking back on my life that from as far back as I can remember I've always suffered intense anxiety & depression from teenage years,'nothing has made me this way',this is just me.Since childhood it is something I've struggled with & battled against.
Age 5,I remember having intense gut wrenching anxiety over the littlest things,I would panic & be hysterical over things like;
Something in my lunchbox I was not expecting to be there?
Going into Assembly?
Having to go to the toilet?
I was so nervous,that the first 2 years of primary school,I would wet myself nearly every day.
I always had a panic inside me that wouldn't go away,a feeling of utter fear,I had my first panic attack at 5years old,this was the first of many more to come.
I'm 30 years old now & it's always with me,not often a reason for it or an explanation for it.
25 years on from my 5 year old self I am still battling this painful,debilitating illness,which is just (if not more) painful than any physical illness!!.
Now I'm older I'm not as frightened by the anxiety & can manage it 50% of the time,purely through experiance.
I have had therapy,cbt,cat,counselling,I have also had numerous different medication over the years,some of which have caused extream problems (again that's another story).
I have also been medication free.
I've tried so hard & so far I've not found the answer.The help out there on the nhs is abismal,utterly appaling,enough to send anyone in desperation into even deeper dispeare.
I can't get any joy or pleasure from my life,from my children,nothing at all,this makes me feel so deeply ashamed,selfish,hopeless & a big disappointment & burden to my family.
At the moment I am existing,that is all.
I've been fighting this for my entire life & I'm exausted & desperate now.
I want to feel happiness,I want to get pleasure from my children & husband,I want to work in our salon,I want to meet friends.
I want to get some quality of life.
Since having my second son 3 years ago,I have got myself in a real bad situation,I've become totally isolated & frightened of going out of the house,the longer I stay in the worse it becomes,the longer this carries on,the harder it is to get back out into the world.
Now having no one to support & help me,I have to get out of this on my own,anyone who suffers with this will appriciate how incredibly hard it is.
Recently I've felt very depressed,so I've been put on yet another combination of tablets ,I do not know if they will help,I do not know if I believe in medication or not,however at the moment I'm utterly desperate to feel a bit better,so feeling hopeless & having lost all faith, I reluctantly took my doctors advice to try another tablet to go with the others I take.
I expect a lot of people will have their own oppinions on this subject,I have to say,anyone who has not lived with sevear anxiety & depression need to understand that their positive quotations & pull yourself together attitudes are frankly patronising & very unhelpful.
I believed by 30 years old I would be better,it is dissapointing that I am not, I do have more controll & less fear,only now I feel much more in controll of the anxiety,I'm hit with this deep dark depression.
Sorry for the serious misrable blog,I just felt it would help me to share my silent problem.
I've always been ashamed of it.
Always worried about being judged.
Now I don't really care as much what other people thing,must be an age thing X
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
So many people suffer bouts of depression & anxiety,most people at some point in their lifes will suffer to some extent,it's inevitable & normal for us to suffer this to some degree throughout the course of our lifetimes.
Unfortunatly some people(like me) suffer with sevear depression & anxiety more or less all their life.
For me I was always a very anxious child,however it really hit me at the age of 14,this was the first time I was put on anti depressants,I'd had a compleate breakdown,caused by 2+ years of bullying both physical & mental at school & out of school.(this in itself is another story).
I won't go into my whole life story,trying to figure out how I became this way,trying to pin point things that triggered off my problems,fact is I can't.
I have come to believe,looking back on my life that from as far back as I can remember I've always suffered intense anxiety & depression from teenage years,'nothing has made me this way',this is just me.Since childhood it is something I've struggled with & battled against.
Age 5,I remember having intense gut wrenching anxiety over the littlest things,I would panic & be hysterical over things like;
Something in my lunchbox I was not expecting to be there?
Going into Assembly?
Having to go to the toilet?
I was so nervous,that the first 2 years of primary school,I would wet myself nearly every day.
I always had a panic inside me that wouldn't go away,a feeling of utter fear,I had my first panic attack at 5years old,this was the first of many more to come.
I'm 30 years old now & it's always with me,not often a reason for it or an explanation for it.
25 years on from my 5 year old self I am still battling this painful,debilitating illness,which is just (if not more) painful than any physical illness!!.
Now I'm older I'm not as frightened by the anxiety & can manage it 50% of the time,purely through experiance.
I have had therapy,cbt,cat,counselling,I have also had numerous different medication over the years,some of which have caused extream problems (again that's another story).
I have also been medication free.
I've tried so hard & so far I've not found the answer.The help out there on the nhs is abismal,utterly appaling,enough to send anyone in desperation into even deeper dispeare.
I can't get any joy or pleasure from my life,from my children,nothing at all,this makes me feel so deeply ashamed,selfish,hopeless & a big disappointment & burden to my family.
At the moment I am existing,that is all.
I've been fighting this for my entire life & I'm exausted & desperate now.
I want to feel happiness,I want to get pleasure from my children & husband,I want to work in our salon,I want to meet friends.
I want to get some quality of life.
Since having my second son 3 years ago,I have got myself in a real bad situation,I've become totally isolated & frightened of going out of the house,the longer I stay in the worse it becomes,the longer this carries on,the harder it is to get back out into the world.
Now having no one to support & help me,I have to get out of this on my own,anyone who suffers with this will appriciate how incredibly hard it is.
Recently I've felt very depressed,so I've been put on yet another combination of tablets ,I do not know if they will help,I do not know if I believe in medication or not,however at the moment I'm utterly desperate to feel a bit better,so feeling hopeless & having lost all faith, I reluctantly took my doctors advice to try another tablet to go with the others I take.
I expect a lot of people will have their own oppinions on this subject,I have to say,anyone who has not lived with sevear anxiety & depression need to understand that their positive quotations & pull yourself together attitudes are frankly patronising & very unhelpful.
I believed by 30 years old I would be better,it is dissapointing that I am not, I do have more controll & less fear,only now I feel much more in controll of the anxiety,I'm hit with this deep dark depression.
Sorry for the serious misrable blog,I just felt it would help me to share my silent problem.
I've always been ashamed of it.
Always worried about being judged.
Now I don't really care as much what other people thing,must be an age thing X
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Hmm
I'm testing out if I can blog from my iPhone,what I don't want to do is write a blog,only to find it doesn't bloody work!.
Which is the way my luck usually goes !!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Which is the way my luck usually goes !!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday 4 January 2011
**Disclamer**
Just to let you all know,this is my first time on a lap top,i;m a pen and paper girl,so forgive all the mistakes,i am totally crap on computers
My First Blog
This is scary,however here i go,my first blog. I have always written diary's, journals, thoughts and feelings since being about 14 years old. It's only very recently I've come across some lovely people via twitter and been introduced to the world of blogging.
These Blogs have had quite an impact on me, they have made me laugh and cry and above all else feel less alone in the world and in my circumstances, thoughts and feelings, This has made a huge difference to my life!!!
I know i will get joy and pleasure from writing my own blogs, and also gain back some confidence.
A lovely friend said to me (you know who you are) "If it works for you,then it will work full stop, write for yourself, that is all that matters," well these are the words that gave me the confidence to "JUST DO THAT"
I'm new to this and I am nervous in case people judge me, or just simply laugh at me (I'm used to that)
anyhow if i can make one person feel less alone or simply identify with my life, i'll be happy.
My blogs will always be written from the heart and be true to myself, some will be very brave on my part and may not always be understood or appreciated, nevertheless i'm going to blog for myself, thanks to
@mammywoo
@mumonamission1
@themummylife
@TheBoyAndMe
@Pantsbum
To name just a few x
These Blogs have had quite an impact on me, they have made me laugh and cry and above all else feel less alone in the world and in my circumstances, thoughts and feelings, This has made a huge difference to my life!!!
I know i will get joy and pleasure from writing my own blogs, and also gain back some confidence.
A lovely friend said to me (you know who you are) "If it works for you,then it will work full stop, write for yourself, that is all that matters," well these are the words that gave me the confidence to "JUST DO THAT"
I'm new to this and I am nervous in case people judge me, or just simply laugh at me (I'm used to that)
anyhow if i can make one person feel less alone or simply identify with my life, i'll be happy.
My blogs will always be written from the heart and be true to myself, some will be very brave on my part and may not always be understood or appreciated, nevertheless i'm going to blog for myself, thanks to
@mammywoo
@mumonamission1
@themummylife
@TheBoyAndMe
@Pantsbum
To name just a few x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)