Here we go again

"The silent illness,called depression".
So many people suffer bouts of depression & anxiety,most people at some point in their lifes will suffer to some extent,it's inevitable & normal for us to suffer this to some degree throughout the course of our lifetimes.
Unfortunatly some people(like me) suffer with sevear depression & anxiety more or less all their life.
For me I was always a very anxious child,however it really hit me at the age of 14,this was the first time I was put on anti depressants,I'd had a compleate breakdown,caused by 2+ years of bullying both physical & mental at school & out of school.(this in itself is another story).
I won't go into my whole life story,trying to figure out how I became this way,trying to pin point things that triggered off my problems,fact is I can't.
I have come to believe,looking back on my life that from as far back as I can remember I've always suffered intense anxiety & depression from teenage years,'nothing has made me this way',this is just me.Since childhood it is something I've struggled with & battled against.
Age 5,I remember having intense gut wrenching anxiety over the littlest things,I would panic & be hysterical over things like;
Something in my lunchbox I was not expecting to be there?
Going into Assembly?
Having to go to the toilet?
I was so nervous,that the first 2 years of primary school,I would wet myself nearly every day.
I always had a panic inside me that wouldn't go away,a feeling of utter fear,I had my first panic attack at 5years old,this was the first of many more to come.
I'm 30 years old now & it's always with me,not often a reason for it or an explanation for it.
25 years on from my 5 year old self I am still battling this painful,debilitating illness,which is just (if not more) painful than any physical illness!!.
Now I'm older I'm not as frightened by the anxiety & can manage it 50% of the time,purely through experiance.
I have had therapy,cbt,cat,counselling,I have also had numerous different medication over the years,some of which have caused extream problems (again that's another story).
I have also been medication free.
I've tried so hard & so far I've not found the answer.The help out there on the nhs is abismal,utterly appaling,enough to send anyone in desperation into even deeper dispeare.
I can't get any joy or pleasure from my life,from my children,nothing at all,this makes me feel so deeply ashamed,selfish,hopeless & a big disappointment & burden to my family.
At the moment I am existing,that is all.
I've been fighting this for my entire life & I'm exausted & desperate now.
I want to feel happiness,I want to get pleasure from my children & husband,I want to work in our salon,I want to meet friends.
I want to get some quality of life.
Since having my second son 3 years ago,I have got myself in a real bad situation,I've become totally isolated & frightened of going out of the house,the longer I stay in the worse it becomes,the longer this carries on,the harder it is to get back out into the world.
Now having no one to support & help me,I have to get out of this on my own,anyone who suffers with this will appriciate how incredibly hard it is.
Recently I've felt very depressed,so I've been put on yet another combination of tablets ,I do not know if they will help,I do not know if I believe in medication or not,however at the moment I'm utterly desperate to feel a bit better,so feeling hopeless & having lost all faith, I reluctantly took my doctors advice to try another tablet to go with the others I take.
I expect a lot of people will have their own oppinions on this subject,I have to say,anyone who has not lived with sevear anxiety & depression need to understand that their positive quotations & pull yourself together attitudes are frankly patronising & very unhelpful.
I believed by 30 years old I would be better,it is dissapointing that I am not, I do have more controll & less fear,only now I feel much more in controll of the anxiety,I'm hit with this deep dark depression.
Sorry for the serious misrable blog,I just felt it would help me to share my silent problem.
I've always been ashamed of it.
Always worried about being judged.
Now I don't really care as much what other people thing,must be an age thing X


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